Oscar Drinking Game, 2008 Edition

Last year's edition was used at three Oscar parties that I know of, and resulted in about two beers per person, so that seems about right. (Wine drinkers may wish to take daintier sips.)

Feel free to adapt or improve this list as you wish. House Rules always take precedence. (And remember, you don’t need to use this drinking alcohol!)

Oh, and don't drink and drive, but being a person of culture and taste who can still appreciate the glorious-and-ridiculous excesses of the Oscars, you'd never do that, would you?

Oscar Drinking Game, 2008 Edition

For every mention of the writers' strike, take only a sip. Take it easy there.

For every joke about Bush being a) dumb b) a dictator c) spoken to by God d) from Texas, take a drink.

For every joke about Dick Cheney being Darth Vader, Voldemort, Satan or the like, take a drink. Take another if it's "Cthulhu." Take no drinks for any reference to Cheney shooting someone, unless it uses some variation on the phrase "shooting an old man in the face."

For every joke about the Democrats in D.C. being spineless, take a drink.

For every joke about the race, gender or age of the remaining presidential nominees, take a drink.

If Kucinich gets a shout-out, take a drink. If his wife being gorgeous is referenced, take a drink, and if her tongue-stud is mentioned, take another.

For every joke about Romney being an animatronic robot escaped from Disneyland (or similar), take a drink.

If the competing endorsements of conservative action stars are referenced somehow, take a drink.

For every Arnold Schwarzenegger joke, take a drink. If they say “Cally-forn-nia” take another, and if they mention Conan, take three more.

If Michael Moore reminds the assemblage that they booed him off stage in 2003 when he said that Iraq was invaded under false pretenses, take a drink.

If Jon Stewart references his part in Death to Smoochy again, take a drink. If he says "third male lead," take another.

For every joke involving Tom Cruise and cult-like behavior, take a drink. If anyone mentions Xenu, take another. If anyone says "Hail Xenu!" finish your drink, and if it's said in earnest, head for the hills.

If any of the "train wreck girls" are invoked (Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton, etc.), take a drink. If "rehab" is mentioned, take another drink. If Amy Winehouse comes out and sings a few bars of "Rehab," finish your drink.

If Jack Nicholson is shown grinning, take a drink. If Jack is sitting with an actress younger than one-third his age (71), take three drinks.

If the Weinsteins have taken hostage a gorgeous actress to sit with them, take a drink (and say a prayer for the poor dear).

If George Clooney's love life is referenced, take a drink. If anyone makes a homoerotic joke about Clooney, take two drinks.

If anyone references "I drink your milkshake!" or spoofs another TWBB speech, take a drink.

If the director cuts from Brad Pitt to Jennifer Aniston or vice versa, take a drink.

If someone makes a joke about Russell Crowe and he scowls at it, take a drink.

For each American who wins an acting award, take a drink (look at the list!).

If one of the presenters can’t pronounce a nominee’s name or can’t read the teleprompter, take a drink.

For every lame joke that bombs — drink some water, you need to pace yourself.

If anyone thanks God, the almighty, etc. take a drink. If they thank Ganesha or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, finish your drink.
If anyone thanks his or her agent, take a sip of someone else's drink.
If anyone says he or she is “humbled” or “blessed,” take a drink.
If the music starts before the winner is finished, take a drink.
If not all the winners in a group get to speak, take a drink.
If someone forgets to thank their significant other, take a drink.
If anyone cries, whether onstage or in the audience, take a drink.
If a winner says, “Gosh, I don’t know who to thank,” only to begin thanking people, take a drink.

If anyone is caught snoozing in the audience, take a drink.

For any award presented by adorable moppets, adorable muppets, or animated characters, take a drink of soda or something sweet. If a live actor awkwardly banters with an animated character, take another drink of the same.

For every plea to stamp out movie piracy, take a drink.
For every seemingly purposeless montage, take a drink.
If the montage or a presenter in some way plugs seeing movies in the theater, take another drink.

If anyone climbs over Steven Spielberg and says they want to make love to the audience in the firmament, finish your drink.

For any interpretative dancing, take a drink. If any dance or musical number involves writhing on the ground amidst dry ice and burning trash cans, tap-dancing in a concentration camp, or dancing vermin, take a drink.

OSCAR PRE-SHOW (Optional)

If Joan Rivers insults her daughter, take a drink.
If she misidentifies someone, take a drink.

If Oprah snubs an interviewer, take a drink.

If anyone on the red carpet says, “it’s a honor just to be nominated,” take a drink.

If a normally stunning person is dressed in something hideous, make a snarky comment (as if you needed a prompt!).

If Billy Bush makes a bad pun to a celebrity, take a drink.
If anyone insults Billy Bush to his face — or punches him — send that person a case of champagne.