My contribution to alcohol abuse for this Sunday is the following. Some of these are cribbed from other folks' lists in previous years, many are original, but many are pretty damn obvious regardless. Feel free to adapt or improve this list as you wish. (And remember, you don’t need to use this drinking alcohol!)
OSCAR DRINKING GAME
Every time Jack Nicholson is shown, take a drink.
If Jack is sitting with an actress younger than one-third his age (70), take three drinks.
Every time George Clooney is shown, take a drink.
If the director cuts from Brad Pitt to Jennifer Aniston or vice versa, take a drink.
For every joke about Mel Gibson, Michael Richards or Isaiah Washington, take a drink.
If “rehab” is mentioned in the joke, take another drink.
If someone makes a joke about Russell Crowe and he scowls at it, take a drink.
For every Arnold Schwarzenegger joke, take a drink. If they say “Cally-forn-nia” take another, and if they mention Conan, take three more.
For every reference to Marty Scorsese and his winless streak, take a drink.
If Helen Mirren says anything about almost falling “ass over tit” again, take a drink.
If Jessica Simpson says “ass over tit,” finish your drink.
If one of the presenters can’t pronounce a nominee’s name or can’t read the teleprompter, take a drink.
For every lame joke that bombs — drink some water, you need to pace yourself.
If anyone thanks his or her agent, take a drink.
If anyone says he or she is “humbled” or “blessed,” take a drink.
If the music starts before the winner is finished, take a drink.
If not all the winners in a group get to speak, take a drink.
If someone forgets to thank their significant other, take a drink.
If anyone cries, whether onstage or in the audience, take a drink.
If a winner says, “Gosh, I don’t know who to thank,” only to begin immediately thanking people, take a drink.
If anyone is caught snoozing in the audience, take a drink.
If Beyoncé changes her eyeshadow color mid-show, take a drink.
If any of the musical numbers involve tap-dancing, Debbie Allen, or homeless people slowly writhing through dry ice, take a drink.
For every plea to stamp out movie piracy, take a drink.
For every seemingly purposeless montage, take a drink.
If the montage or a presenter in some way plugs seeing movies in the theater, take another drink.
If anyone climbs over Steven Spielberg and says they want to make love to the audience in the firmament, finish your drink.
If Dreamgirls somehow still wins Best Picture despite not even being nominated, finish your drink and get another case.
OSCAR PRE-SHOW
If Joan Rivers insults her daughter, take a drink.
If she misidentifies someone, take a drink.
If Oprah snubs an interviewer, take a drink.
If anyone on the red carpet says, “it’s a honor just to be nominated,” take a drink.
If Billy Bush makes a bad pun to a celebrity, take a drink.
If Billy Bush asks an intelligent question, slap yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming.
If anyone smacks Billy Bush, finish your drink and send that man or woman a case of beer.
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