Occasional blogging, mostly of the long-form variety.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Oscar Drinking Game, 2009 Edition

Feel free to adapt or improve this list as you wish. House Rules always take precedence. (And remember, you don’t need to use this drinking alcohol!)

Oh, and don't drink and drive, but being a person of culture and taste who can still appreciate the glorious-and-ridiculous excess of the Oscars, you'd never do that, would you?


For every joke about Obama and black presidents in disaster movies, take a drink.

For any joke involving both Bush and Nixon, or W. and Frost/Nixon, take a drink.

If Hugh Jackman sings, take a drink. If he performs part of X-Men: The Musical, take another.

If Jackman somehow manages to ram his crotch into the camera, take a drink.

For any interpretative dancing, take a drink. If any dance or musical number involves a dancing cockroach or orphans on crutches, take a drink.

If The Dark Knight not being nominated for Best Picture is referenced, take a drink. For any Christian Bale/eye-line gags, take a drink.

If the nomination counts for Kate Winslet or Meryl Streep are mentioned, take a drink.

If Jack Nicholson is shown grinning, take a drink. If Jack is sitting with an actress 24 years old or younger (one-third his age), take three drinks.

If the Weinsteins have taken hostage a gorgeous actress to sit with them, take a drink (and say a prayer for the poor dear).

If one of the presenters can’t pronounce a nominee’s name or can’t read the teleprompter, take a drink.

For every lame joke that bombs — drink some water, you need to pace yourself.

If anyone thanks God, the almighty, etc. take a drink. If they thank Ganesha, Xenu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, finish your drink.
If anyone thanks his or her agent, take a sip of someone else's drink.
If anyone says he or she is “humbled” or “blessed,” take a drink.
If the music starts before the winner is finished, take a drink.
If not all the winners in a group get to speak, take a drink.
If someone forgets to thank their significant other, take a drink.
If anyone cries, whether onstage or in the audience, take a drink.
If a winner says, “Gosh, I don’t know who to thank,” only to begin thanking people, take a drink.

If anyone is caught snoozing in the audience, take a drink.

For any award presented by adorable moppets, adorable muppets, or animated characters, take a drink of soda or something sweet. If a live actor awkwardly banters with an animated character, take another drink of the same.

For every plea to stamp out movie piracy, take a drink.
For every seemingly purposeless montage, take a drink.
If the montage or a presenter in some way plugs seeing movies in the theater, take another drink.

If anyone climbs over Steven Spielberg and says they want to make love to the audience in the firmament, finish your drink. Ditto if anyone says they're the king of the world and starts whooping. Two sips for "You like me, you really like me." And hit the bathroom if someone announces on stage their need to pee.


If Billy Bush makes a bad pun, take a drink.
If the red carpet crew get breathless over an arrival but can't name someone, take a drink.
If any of the red carpet arrivals snub the entertainment reporters, take a drink. (Three if it's Oprah.)


Anonymous said...

I hate the Oscars. Nothing like a wasted evening watching self-important wastrels congratulating each other.



Batocchio said...


1) To each their own.
2) Better to be drunk, then, no?
3) Isn't mocking silly people more fun with friends, as at a good Oscar party?
4) What about honoring good work? I don't give a damn about the glitz or the People magazine crap, I only care about the work. Consider:

Daniel Day-Lewis' Oscar for There Will be Blood. Hilary Swank's first Oscar for a good indie film, Boys Don't Cry, when Swank didn't even have health care. Best Song for Once, an indie made for about $100,000. Four nominations for WALL-E, including two for its remarkable sound design. A best foreign language film win for The Lives of Others, an outstanding piece. This year, Roger Deakins is nominated again for his superlative cinematography (although he's not favored to win). Slumdog Millionaire has fairy tale elements, but also depicts torture, serious class divisions and child exploitation. The Class, practically a documentary in its realism, captures the challenges of teaching about as well as you'll ever see. Waltz with Bashir deals with war crimes in Lebanon and denial over them.

Almost every year, most if not all of the documentary entries are great films on consequential subjects. Documentary filmmaking generally isn't lucrative, and is often grueling. Nominations and wins can be a tremendous boost to the careers of good people. This year, nominee Trouble the Water covers Hurricane Katrina. Last year's winner was Taxi to the Dark Side, on the Bush torture regime. Its nomination and win brought it much wider attention. No End is Sight, on Iraq, was nominated the same year. In the same year Bowling for Columbine won (and boosted Michael Moore substantially), another fantastic doc was also nominated - War Photographer, which confronts what we're willing to face and the challenges of good journalism and art. The Fog of War, Errol Morris good doc on Robert McNamara, won, and used a new camera useful for documentary filmmakers. Barbara Kopple (who's a very nice woman, BTW), has won twice, for two great docs on labor strikes: Harlan County USA and American Dream. The latter chronicles a Hormel strike because management decides to lower wages despite record profits, just because they can.

So again, I'm completely with the folks that don't like the glitz. But there are plenty of other things to appreciate - in addition to the company of the folks I'll be watching the proceedings with. ;-)

Distributorcap said...

i am with ten - the oscars is a colossal waste of time

if it really was about the work - then it would be great - how does Julia Roberts beat Ellyn Burstyn? etc. it ends up being a popularity contest or who's turn is it this year (obviously Kate Winslet, who I do think is a terrific actress). the great documentaries barely get a mention (but at least they do!)

i will say that at least this year almost all the movies and performances (and for once i saw most of them) - are deserving

as for the drinking game - now that is a good way to get through it

Batocchio said...

DCap, you got that right about Roberts and Burstyn! And no Oscar for Altman before they finally give him a special one? Not to mention, the Academy does a horrible job explaining the sound categories. All the better to boo with pals and drinks! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Bat -

I'm all for friends and drinks... I just don't want anything to do with the Oscars. I'm suspicious of any trade group awarding itself prizes.

If there is a real prize, it is probably the money the film takes in - that's the vote from the audience.

I know that one of the little golden men can increase the $$$ the movie makes, so I know why the studios and distributors press so hard for the awards.

It has almost nothing to do with art when you buy a full page ad in Variety. Just sayin'.



Comrade Kevin said...

For every time an actress acts like she's really not devastated and/or pissed off when she loses, take a drink.

Batocchio said...

Ten, fair enough, and no one's forcing ya to watch - but what the hell do the marketing campaign and vanity ads have to do with the quality of a film? Museum exhibits, artists' shows and plays advertise too, after all, if not as often in Variety. As we were discussing at the Oscar party I attended, Harvey Weinstein is evil - but also has a habit of funding good films. And he doesn't control the votes. I just don't see why it's difficult to separate studio bullshit from the actual films and the work that went into them. In any case, Kate Winslet finally won her Oscar. And the Independent Spirit Awards honored some very good work, too. But again, to each their own, eh? ;-)

Anonymous said...

The awards are simply a very long advertise with advertises in between.

It's pointless and boring.

People waste to much time watching rubbish these days. Like watching all the mind numbing blockbusters was not enough you still waste more time watching the actors accept awards.

I don't know why actors are praised so much. Can't you see the magic is in the writing? The best actors in the world couldn't save a terrible script.

Second to writing comes the directing the movie. Actors without direction wouldn't know what to do.

Actors without writers are just people who can do a couple fake emotions they practiced in front of the mirror a hundred times.

Writers without Actors, well, they are still writers.

So, it's a celebrity craze. "Beautiful people" in expensive costumes acting a bit more, so their movies can make a bit more money, and they can get the next movie part for more money. Not to mention the self-indulgence.

I know actors carry the story on their back, but should they be awarded and parade like fools for this?

I never watch any of these awards ceremonies. Maybe because the movies I watch and the music I listen to are not this mediocre maintream crap. The problem is that most people have the need to stay current with what's cool at the moment otherwise they feel cut out from society.

I prefer to watch the movies I feel like watching and the music I feel like listening. I don't care if it's current or old as my grandmother. I simply want to choose for myself and not let society dictate what I should be watching and listening.

Obviously I'll go to the cinema or buy any current music if I feel it's right for me. It's not just going against the flow for the sake of it. It's not teenage angst either. It's free thinking. Thinking outside the box.


Grumpy young man aka Big mouth Alex.

Scottie said...

is it possible to post a comment here without being discovered who I am as I really don't follow the oscars because I'm a tired old man and my wife does that oscar-monitoring job??

Batocchio said...

Alex, see what you like, by all means. Writers don't get nearly enough respect (in film - they get much more in TV). Actually, the best presentation last night was Tina Fey and Steve Martin for the screenplay awards, since they're good performers but also writers. In my experience, the actual best picture often wins for screenplay or director. (Or foreign language film, or is honored at the Independent Spirit Awards...)

Haha, Scottie, discovered by whom? I can see your Blogger profile, but that's it. You can always comment anonymously, too - or leave the Oscar commenting to your wife. ;-)