Talk Like a Pirate Day 2016

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day! I like to celebrate by using one of the English-to-Pirate translators out there to translate a scurvy dog. This year, there's no competition. Follow the links to see the original words of looter and pillager Donald J. Trump, but here are some of his greatest hits in pirate:

When Mexico sends its swabbies, they’re nay sendin' the'r best. They’re nay sendin' ye. They’re nay sendin' ye. They’re sendin' swabbies that be havin' lots o' problems, an' they’re bringin' them problems wi' us. They’re bringin' drugs. They’re bringin' crime. They’re rapists. An' some, I assume, be good swabbies.

I can nereapologize fer th' truth. I don’t mind apologizin' fer things. But I can’t apologize fer th' truth. I spake tremendous crime be comin' across. Sea dogs an' land lubbers knows that’s true. An' 't’s happenin' all th' time. So, why, when I mention, all o' a sudden I’m a racist. I’m nay a racist. I don’t be havin' a racist bone in me body.

Torture works. ARRR, folks? Ye know, I be havin' these guys—”Torture doesn’t work!”—b'lieve me, 't works. An' waterboardin' be yer minor form. Some swabbies say 't’s nay actually torture. Let’s assume 'tis. But they asked me th' question: What do ye think o' waterboardin'? Absolutely fine. But we ortin' ta go much stronger than waterboardin'.

Eyeball them hands, be they wee hands? An', he referred t' me hands -- `if they's wee, somethin' else must be wee.` I guarantee ye thar`s nay problem. I guarantee.

A hand wi' wee fingers comin' ou' o' a stem. Like, wee. Eyeball me hands. They’re fine. Nobody other than Graydon Carter voyages ago used t' use that. Me hands be normal hands. Durin' a debate, he be losin', an' he spake, “Oh, he has wee hands an' therefore, ye know what that means.” This be nay me. This be Rubio that spake, “He has wee hands an' ye know what that means.” Arrr? So, he started 't. So, what I spake a couple o' days later … an' what happened be I be on line shakin' hands wi' supporters, an' one o' supporters got up an' he spake, “Mr. Trump, ye be havin' strong hands. Ye be havin' good-sized hands.” An' then another one would say, “Ye be havin' great hands, Mr. Trump, I had nay idee.” I spake, “What do ye mean?” He spake, “I thought ye be like deformed, an' I thought ye had wee hands.” I had fifty swabbies … Be that a correct statement? I mean swabbies be writin', “How be Mr. Trump’s hands?” Me hands be fine. Ye know, me hands be normal. Slightly large, actually. In fact, I buy a slightly smaller than large glove, arrr? Nay, but I did this on accoun' o' sea dogs an' land lubbers be sayin' t' me, “Oh, yer hands be very nice. They be normal.” So Rubio, in a debate, spake, on accoun' o' he had nothin' else t' say … now I be hittin' th' lad's pretty hard. He wanted t' do his Don Rickles stuff an' 't didn’t work ou'. Obviously, 't didn’t work too well. But one o' th' things he spake be “He has wee hands an' therefore, ye know what that means, he has wee somethin' else.” Ye can look 't up. I didn’t say 't.

The things that be spake about me. Ye know what, I wanted t' hit a couple o' them speakers so hard. Hit them with me tiny baby hands. I would be havin' hit them — nay, nay — I be gonna hit them. I be all set. An' then I got a call from a highly respected governor. ‘How’s 't goin', Donald?’ I spake, ‘Well, 't’s goin' good, but they’re really sayin' bad things about me. I’m gonna hit them so hard.’ I be gonna hit one guy in particular, a very wee guy. I be gonna hit this guy so hard, his hade would spin. He wouldn’t know what th' hell happened. An' he came ou' o' nowhere. He came ou' o' nowhere. They made deals wi' me. ‘Would ye help me wi' this? Would ye make this deal an' solve this problem?’ I solved th' problem. I do a great job. I be goin' t' hit a number o' them speakers so hard, the'r heads would spin, they’d nererecover. An' that’s what I did wi' a lot o' swabbies — that’s why I still don’t be havin' certain swabbies endorsin' me. They still haven’t recovered, arrr, ye know?

I’m tellin' ye, I used t' use th' word incompetent. Now I jus' call them lily livered. I sailed' t' an Ivy League school. I’m very highly educated. I know words, I be havin' th' best words...but thar be nay better word than lily livered. Starboard?

I think that's much more coherent. (The scary thing is that's after cutting several paragraphs of him talking about his hands.) Of course, Trump should be mocked, relentlessly, but it's also important to recognize him as a serious threat, and get out the vote.