In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day, I thought I'd use the English-to-Pirate translator on an infamous rant from one of Wall Street's scurvyiest dogs. If the original was satire, it was satire that National Review and other corporate conservatives sincerely endorsed:
We be Wall Street. It’s our job t' make doubloons. Whether it’s a commodity, stock, bond, or some hypothetical piece o' fake paper, it don’t matter. We would trade baseball cards if it were profitable. I didn’t hear America complainin' when t' market was roarin' t' 14,000 and everyone’s 401k doubled every 3 years. Just like gamblin', it's not a problem until you lose. I’ve never heard o' anyone goin' t' Gamblers Anonymous because they won too much in Vegas.
Well now t' market crapped out, & even though it has come aft somewhat, t' government and t' average Joes be still lookin' for a scapegoat. God knows thar has t' be one for everythin'. Well, here we are.
Go ahead and continue t' take us down, but you’re only goin' t' hurt yourselves. What’s goin' t' happen when we can’t find jobs on t' Street anymore? Guess what: We’re goin' t' take yours. We get up at 5am & work till 10pm or later. We’re used t' not gettin' up t' pee when we have a position. We don’t take an hour or more for a lunch break. We don’t demand a union. We don’t retire at 50 with a pension. We eat what we kill, and when t' only thin' port t' eat be on your what crawled out o' t' bung hole plates, we’ll eat that.
For years teachers and other unionized labor have had us fooled. We were too busy workin' t' notice. Do you really think that we be incapable o' teachin' 3rd graders and doin' landscapin'? We’re goin' t' take your cushy jobs with tenure and 4 months off a year and whine just like you that we be so-o-o-o underpaid for buildin' t' youth o' America. Say I'm shovin' off t' your overtime and double time and a half. I’ll be hittin' grounders t' t' high school baseball team for $5k extra a summer, thank you very much, matey.
So now that we’re goin' t' be makin' $85k a year without upside, Joe Mainstreet be goin' t' have his revenge, starboard? Wrong! Guess what: we’re goin' t' stop buyin' t' new 80k ship, we aren’t goin' t' leave t' 35 percent tip at our business what crawled out o' t' bung holes anymore. No more free rides on our dinghies. We’re goin' t' landscape our own aft yards, wash our ships with a garden hose in our docks. Our doubloons was your doubloons. You spent it. When our doubloons dries up, so does yours.
T' difference is, you lived off o' it, we rejoiced in it. T' Obama administration and t' Democratic National Committee might get their way and knock us off t' top o' t' pyramid, but it’s really goin' t' hurt like hell for them when our fat asses land directly on t' middle class o' America and knock them t' t' bottom.
We aren’t dinosaurs. We be smarter and more vicious than that, and we be goin' t' survive. T' question is, now that Obama & his administration be makin' Joe Mainstreet our grub…will he? and will they?
Somehow, turning it into pirate actually makes it less ridiculous.
(Although pirates remain more sympathetic and honorable...)