The Post-Election "What Republicans Should Do" Rant

Post-election analyses about what the Republican Party should change have been pretty popular recently, and it's been fun to see sharp bloggers poke holes in the most blind, hubristic or otherwise ridiculous "advice." Personally, while I'm happy to work with decent people who self-identify as conservative or Republican, that type of person is faaaar from the norm in the conservative base or leadership. I'd really like to see a bipartisan commitment to responsible governance, so while I have my criticisms of the Democrats, the tremendous bad faith shown by John Boehner and other Republican leaders has me pretty pissed. (Yeah, who said an election should decide anything?) I'll try to return to more sober analysis later, but here's my terribly intemperate, uncivil advice to the conservative movement and Republican Party. Ahem.

Stop being racist assholes.

Stop being plutocratic assholes.

Stop being theocratic assholes.

Stop being anti-science, anti-empirical assholes.

Stop being McCarthyite assholes – and learn some basic civics and history, plus the meaning of the word "socialism." (Hint: it doesn't mean "things I [think I] don't like.")

Stop saber-rattling and overdosing on chickenhawk war porn. Stop defending and promoting unnecessary wars and torture. (You keep defending and promoting torture, you fucks.)

Stop attacking the arts, PBS, NPR, and teachers, you fucking bullying assholes.

Stop sucking the teat of the government and reaping the benefits of the Commons – and then turning around and attacking them. That's a dick move.

Stop treating pig-ignorance as a virtue.

Renounce all Norquists and start doing your damn job, representing your constituents' best interests and passing good legislation.

Stop confusing your own privilege with freedom. Stop throwing a temper tantrum when you're prevented from imposing your will on others.

Stop fighting against any and all accountability for your and your party's many failings.

Stop acting like any election or vote or thing-that-exists-in-some-way-that-you don't-like is illegitimate or un-American. Stop acting entitled that you're supposed to win, despite all the crap that you constantly pull.

Stop pretending that you really liked social progress (MLK, Latinos, etc.) all along after your latest dick gambit failed and you've gotten your ass kicked. Stop setting up new bulwarks to prevent progress immediately afterward.

Stop acting outraged anytime anyone has the audacity to object to you being an asshole. (That's sorta a feedback loop.)

Finally, stop lying all the fucking time, from lying about your own crazy or extreme beliefs, to arguing against good policies and for bad policies in colossal bad faith. You are the reason we can't have nice things, you selfish, stupid-evil-crazy muthafuckas.

If you can do that, sure, I think we can work together. But trust is earned with action, and your track record, uh, kinda sucks. So put up or shut up. If you won't reform your ways, well, karma's a bitch, and so are demographics.

(For more calm and detailed analysis, see "Common Ground in Diagrams" and "The Four Types of Conservatives.")